Friday, May 29, 2009


Alright, I know, ok. So this is supposed to be a metal site and what do I do first thing? A post about hockey!? Deal with it, assholes. My second favorite thing in the world, the immortal PITTSBURGH PENGUINS, are returning to the finals after a crushing defeat last year by the evil Detroit Red Wings. The defeat, to say the least. was a solid kick in the balls...but sadly expected.

I won't bore you with stats & figures, but the Cliff's Notes version of the PENS 2008-2009 season was less than impressive: Crosby went into a scoring slump, we lost way more then we won (how's that for simplified), and coach, Michel Therrien was given the boot. My eyebrow seemed to be permantly cocked at that point, & I really saw no reason for it to be lowered. Until after Christmas.

On Feb. 15th, Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins coach, Dan Bylsma stepped in as interim coach and at age 38, making him the youngest coach inthe NHL. Through his first 25 games as Penguins' coach, his 18–3–4 record amounted to 40 points—the second most of any coach in NHL history through their first 25 games. (I know, I know...stats!)
On Tuesday April 28, 2009, Penguins General Manager Ray Shero announced that Bylsma had been named permanent head coach of the team.

Under "Disco Dan" Blysma, the Pens made it into the finals, eradicating past sins, and sliding comfortably into 4th in the Eastern division.

The playoffs this year weren't as smooth as last year. Pens, off the bat, had to face 2 of their dreaded foes, the Philadelphia Flyers & the Washington Capitals. Long story short, Pens defeated the Flers in six games in a brutally violent series, and the Caps in a crushing, bitter-sweet 6-2 win over the Caps & Ovechkin in 7 games. A great fuckin series! Hats off to the Ovie' & the Caps, but a bigger fuck you, all the same. Enjoy your summer. Next up was this years sleeper team, The Carolina Hurricanes. I was really worried about this one, especially with Cam Ward in net. But apparently I had nothing to worry about- the PENS swept them in 4 games!?

Now, my friends, the PENS find themselves back into the lion's den againt Detroit once again in the first back-to-back cup rematch since the 84-85 OILERS/ISLANDERS series. I just wanna say how much I fuckin HATE Detroit, as much I fear & respect them. Let's face it. They're fuckin machines...and they know it, coming across at times like heels in some Vestron Video, 80's sex comedy - a bunch of tennis racket carrying, Chaz Worthington III's, out to close the local arcade, so that Daddy can set up a whites-only golf resort. It's true, Get out your hockey cards & look at them, for fuck sakes!

Am I nervous? Yes, I'm shitting my pants, but I will say this:very rarely do you get a second shot at the cup. The PENS have earned that opportunity. Last year, experience triumphed over youth, and yeah, the better team one. This year, however, the PENS have experience under their belt too (albeit, less than the Wings) They know how to win, because they know how to loose (deep). Malkin's awake, Crosby's on fire, Guerin & Kunitz have fit in beautifully, adding to Crosby's game. Fedatenko has filled the void for that cock-sucker, Hossa, and even Talbot and Eaton have surprisingly stepped up. What about Gonchar, you say? Fuck yeah, Gonchar! But he's gotta step it up way more in the PENS dismal powerplay against these Nazis. As for goalie, Marc-Andre Fleury, (a true metal head, by the way) he's been doing amazing as well -WHEN HE STAYS IN THE FUCKING NET!!!

Anyway, that's all I gotta say about that. Game 1 tomorrow on CBC in Detroit. GO PENS GO. oh yes, and one more thing, FUCK YOU HOSSA, you miserable sack of shit


  1. JUNE 6 UPDATE. PENS have lost 2 games. sweet fuck! It's lowered my immune syste. seriously. I have a cold. PLANET PISS!