BEFORE THERE WAS CHROMIUM,THERE WAS...disappointment

Of all the failures in my life, the biggest & the bitterest pill of all to swallow, would have to be the failure of my "could've, would've, should've" animation series, "JOBBERS."

To give you a little bit of backgroud on myself, I, along with my cousin, Toby Aylward owned & operated a comic/graphic/rock swag shop in Wabush, Labrador called ADMIRAL BLISS COMICS. Apart from running the shop, Tobe & I taught art & basic animation to BAD kids. Poor little bastards were exposed to a lot of shit waaaay before their time, and thinking back, perhaps a screening of CANNIBAL HOLOCAUST to a bunch of 10 year olds might've been an exercise in poor judgement but, I dunno. World's a wonderful shithole, & with seeing an anally impaled woman on a wooden stake or a rusty machete castration outta the way, they were well on their way outside the safe, naive confines of their Grade 4 walls.

At night, Tobe & I drank excessively in the shop, listening to tunes, from SLAYER to ALDO NOVA, & began developing an animated series of our own. Not entirely sure of what we wanted to do, we toyed with a couple of ideas ranging from the lurid adventures of The Bearded Child (yes, I was smoking a lot of Hash) to a villanous rouge named SIR-GRAPES-A-LOT. Nothing was really gelling. I was sick as fuck of superheroes, but for some reason (maybe it was the fact that we were developing in a comic shop) it was all I could think. But then, in a stroke of genius, Tobe blurted, "what about wrestling?" Boom. Genius. It was in front of us the whole time! Tobe is one of the biggest wrestling fans of all time (he owns every VICTORY, WWWF-WWF-WWE mag ever!). I hadn't been a fan since Hogan lost to that over-rated fuck, the Ultimate Warrior in 1990, but it seemed like it could be a funny cartoon, with a lot of great characters. We aggreed that it had to be raw & very adult humor driven, like a PG-13 to an R-rated Hulk Hogan's Rock n' Roll Wrestling. Here's what we came up with:

"JOBBERS" FOCUSES ON THE CONTINUING CONFLICT BETWEEN 2"HAS BEEN" WRESTLERS & THEIR RESPECTIVE OPPOSING FRAT HOUSES ON THE CAMPUS OF A PRESTIGIOUS UNIVERSITY -SPECIALIZING IN EVERY ASPECT OF PRO WRESTLING. A TERRITORIAL BATTLE ON CAMPUS BETWEEN "THE PENALIZERS" (HEELS), LED BY A VERY BITTER SIR GRAPES-A-LOT & "THE MISSIONARY SIX" LED BY FORMER CHAMPION THE GOLDEN IDOL WHILST TRYING TO ACHEIVE THEIR DEGREES AND ENTER THE BIG LEAGUE & A CHANCE TO FOR THEIR LEADERS TO REGAIN FALLEN SUPERSTAR STATUS.

Long story short, we wrote a 40 page bible: character discriptions, rotation sheets, mouth charts, 24 episode synopsis & a hilarious pilot show that had the balls to begin as a "remember when" clip show, something that a series wouldn't dream of doing unless, of course, they were running out of ideas. We gained a lot of attention, and people were interested. Tobe & I closed down shop, moved to Toronto to take it to

the next level & then...the air blew outta the sails. No one would touch it. We attended several conventions & a lot of false promises were made. Even a game was proposed. We were told that we needed to make the pilot first. We also needed a production company and we had ZERO fuckin money. We charged at it with blinders and sadly. we hit a brick wall...hard. I was pretty depressed & kinda felt utterly defeated. Sad part was, I know it'd work. Fuck man. THE WRESTLER won academy awards! That was the same story, but ours was a comedy. Either way, it seemed to be a lost cause and I started doing freelance work designing menus, business logos, some band t-shirts & covers. To make ends meet Tobe & I took jobs as Security guards on Gerrard/Jarvis dealing with hookers, bums, & crack heads. Not exactly the plan.

(TOP: L-R MASKED ALCOHOLIC, MAGBJORN P.I.,SIN-IN-THE-SUBURBS, AGING HIPSTER, HUMAN SCORPION MAN & GOLDEN IDOL. THREE DOLLAR BILLIE)

(BOTTOM: L-R BEE KEEPER, SERFEI PISTOV, JAILBAIT. NAPOLEON COMPLEX. DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED SEAMAN, SIR GRAPES-A-LOT, SHEIK AHNEIDTOSHEET)

CHROMIUM's really been a pick me up and when I say thanks for buying it, I REALLY fuckin mean it. And a big thanks again! Metal's always been there & always will. A solid bastard of a bro - a sexist, sometimes misogynistic, immature, corny, pissy pal, but no matter what, it's ALWAYS put a smile a face & I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing with my life than writing about it...apart from escorting urinating bums off property & dodging pocket knife weilding hookers, of course.

Yes, what a wonder shithole this world is.

WORKING ON THE SECOND ISSUE

It's 11:16 on Friday night & here I am slaving away on the second issue of CR02. Sad really. Actually, I'm feeling kinda' shitty from another fuckin cold coming on, and the thought of drinking tonight is making me feel worse (See Ma, I'm not an alcoholic). Just finished an interview and a few drawings in between a couple of Castlevania III sessions. The second issue's really shaping up and 75% of the art is drawn, inked, and scanned at 300 dpi. (any bigger andit really slows down the process.

For those of you who may've noticed a kind of blurriness in the first issue, it was due to me designing EVERYTHING in Photoshop Elements. Every page had about 150-200 layers, then flattened. It turned the text to a JPEG image creating that blurry effect. My bad...sorry. Fuck it, it was the first issue. You have to learn.

As for the printing process, issue 2 will once again be done by SIPS Comics (South Island Printing Services) in Vancouver. They've been real bros about the whole thing & I wanna stick with them. Ontario, funny enough, wasn't too co-operative. We learned quickly that it was easier to ship it in from Vancouver, if you can believe it.

Getting back to the first issue, we're running pretty low. We're gonna reprint some more, but that'll be it. 2nd printing will also have something slightly different, just to be all George Lucas/Marvel comics marketing-like.

That's all I have to say now, really. Just an update. But know this, CHROMIUM DIOXIDE 2:THE PUMPENING will rip your balls off & store 'em in a jar right next to Papa Doc's. I'm off to bed, soft core Spanish porn is on.

E.T. VS. PREDATOR

So here's the plot so far. Film takes place, like. 3 or 4 years after E.T and Elliot part ways. When E.T. comes back to visit Elliot on his March break weekend, like 3 or 4 years later), he finds Elliot has changed a lot. He's got new friends & a controlling bitch girlfriend. No place for E.T. So basically, E.T. says "fuck this," bails on Elliot (without burning any bridges) and goes off to explore other worlds.Long story short, E.T. arrives on the planet....Predernia. He doesn't fit in and the Predators are gonna kill theshit out of him, but then, the village elder of the Predators (a hard ass, but time-has-kinda-made-him-soft-sort-of-guy) realizes that E.T. would be a good companion for his autistic predator son. E.T. agrees, and the rest is movie magic.Let me know if you'd like to fund this project.

NHL PLAY OFFS 2009

Alright, I know, ok. So this is supposed to be a metal site and what do I do first thing? A post about hockey!? Deal with it, assholes. My second favorite thing in the world, the immortal PITTSBURGH PENGUINS, are returning to the finals after a crushing defeat last year by the evil Detroit Red Wings. The defeat, to say the least. was a solid kick in the balls...but sadly expected.

I won't bore you with stats & figures, but the Cliff's Notes version of the PENS 2008-2009 season was less than impressive: Crosby went into a scoring slump, we lost way more then we won (how's that for simplified), and coach, Michel Therrien was given the boot. My eyebrow seemed to be permantly cocked at that point, & I really saw no reason for it to be lowered. Until after Christmas.

On Feb. 15th, Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins coach, Dan Bylsma stepped in as interim coach and at age 38, making him the youngest coach inthe NHL. Through his first 25 games as Penguins' coach, his 18–3–4 record amounted to 40 points—the second most of any coach in NHL history through their first 25 games. (I know, I know...stats!)
On Tuesday April 28, 2009, Penguins General Manager Ray Shero announced that Bylsma had been named permanent head coach of the team.

Under "Disco Dan" Blysma, the Pens made it into the finals, eradicating past sins, and sliding comfortably into 4th in the Eastern division.

The playoffs this year weren't as smooth as last year. Pens, off the bat, had to face 2 of their dreaded foes, the Philadelphia Flyers & the Washington Capitals. Long story short, Pens defeated the Flers in six games in a brutally violent series, and the Caps in a crushing, bitter-sweet 6-2 win over the Caps & Ovechkin in 7 games. A great fuckin series! Hats off to the Ovie' & the Caps, but a bigger fuck you, all the same. Enjoy your summer. Next up was this years sleeper team, The Carolina Hurricanes. I was really worried about this one, especially with Cam Ward in net. But apparently I had nothing to worry about- the PENS swept them in 4 games!?

Now, my friends, the PENS find themselves back into the lion's den againt Detroit once again in the first back-to-back cup rematch since the 84-85 OILERS/ISLANDERS series. I just wanna say how much I fuckin HATE Detroit, as much I fear & respect them. Let's face it. They're fuckin machines...and they know it, coming across at times like heels in some Vestron Video, 80's sex comedy - a bunch of tennis racket carrying, Chaz Worthington III's, out to close the local arcade, so that Daddy can set up a whites-only golf resort. It's true, Get out your hockey cards & look at them, for fuck sakes!

Am I nervous? Yes, I'm shitting my pants, but I will say this:very rarely do you get a second shot at the cup. The PENS have earned that opportunity. Last year, experience triumphed over youth, and yeah, the better team one. This year, however, the PENS have experience under their belt too (albeit, less than the Wings) They know how to win, because they know how to loose (deep). Malkin's awake, Crosby's on fire, Guerin & Kunitz have fit in beautifully, adding to Crosby's game. Fedatenko has filled the void for that cock-sucker, Hossa, and even Talbot and Eaton have surprisingly stepped up. What about Gonchar, you say? Fuck yeah, Gonchar! But he's gotta step it up way more in the PENS dismal powerplay against these Nazis. As for goalie, Marc-Andre Fleury, (a true metal head, by the way) he's been doing amazing as well -WHEN HE STAYS IN THE FUCKING NET!!!

Anyway, that's all I gotta say about that. Game 1 tomorrow on CBC in Detroit. GO PENS GO. oh yes, and one more thing, FUCK YOU HOSSA, you miserable sack of shit